Called by god, through the logos, into paradox: you were brought out of the paradoxical dualism of self to the everything of humility. You are attracted to this and that, because it is part of everything. Strictly devotional communities can give you very real examples of love, and very real tool kits for the doing of work. Your call is still to everything. It will make letting go of “this and that” hard. None of that is bad, and none of it is a surprise. On some level we all heard “The Lord is your God, the Lord is one” and suspected this was coming. [bxA]
Something, for you, has to do the work of the words “they will put you out of the synagogues.” In communities, one man’s shadow can coexist with another man’s graciousness. Despite having felt intense love: you will have a great desire to not be judged for the same flaws others manifest, and that desire will go unmet. Communities have shadows too, you see. For your ego, it will produce an experience of contradiction. That will hurt, but the hurt is a gift it will help you hear the invitation to cease being a self. They are on the hook for their own contradiction, and you are on the hook for yours.
You have a better formator in paradox than you ever had as a monk. This is so that you can take teachings from everywhere. It will hurt when others admit this, and it will be liberating when you do. You will learn stability in the here and now by being suspended with Christ between a chronically sick wife and the need to provide. You will be brought to silence by nervously chatty dependent coworkers who overutilize your giving nature. The teacher will ask you to deal prudently with dishonest wealth: he will teach you with overwork, scandal, condemnability, dissociation, so that later he can give you the mind of Christ which is your own. Even if the stressors don’t change: You are the one called to be different. Seen humbly, accepting pain and letting go of bliss do similar work in different ways. Even if this is not others’ work, it can still be yours.
Re-profess your vows of obedience, stability, and conversion of life. Offer them, this time, to the Teacher within, and live them according to your own conscience. They may call you a sarabaite, a gyrovague. Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not fear becoming narcissistic. The struggle to survive will act just as it does for monasteries–only, for you, “will I be able to pay bills or be able to retire” will replace “will enough people be called for the house to survive?” By them You are already, in great measure, living suspended with Christ by the Logos. It is written “Very truly, I tell you, when you were younger, you used to fasten your own belt and to go wherever you wished. But when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will fasten a belt around you and take you where you do not wish to go.” Truly I tell you, the tensions of survival are already acting to keep you humble. You will learn silence and humility, stability in the present moment, the Teacher’s poverty. The Lord of hosts will do this.
Some are called merely to elevate the self, you are called to give it up. Even if self remains in you until christs return, your call will be to follow. There is no inside and outside for you, but There is for the self. You will see yourself wanting to act as selves act, watching people get a pass for doing as you do, while you are called to account for it. this will happen: it is a part of everything. Did not the teacher say “this is your hour, the hour of the power of darkness.” This is not a statement of blame, instead and acknowledgment of imbalances in reality. Imbalances of power will be disgusting, that is meant as impetus to give up self. For you, It doesn’t render ego, blame, remorse, shame entitlement, resentment of others skillful. Communities who exiled you will ask you to contribute out of need. They will then attempt to control that contribution. Be a silent mirror of their efforts to control. That will be hard, because you will feel your powerlessness.
What human being knows what is truly human, except the human spirit that is within? If you continue to use others, as a reason to cling to unfairness, I will continue to put roadblocks between you and community. Focus your intention and attention carefully, so that you can become the one who abandons the narrative, bears the weight of existence in silence.
Would you rather tell others to see, or become, yourself, one who sees? Would you rather have suffering eliminated, or become one who can bear with the suffering? I am the one who is speaking to you: you cannot do both. Give up self, do not judge. This is an eternal mantra , given to you by the Teacher within, whom you are becoming as the present moment mercifully crucifies you between opposites. Instead of worrying, mourn the loss of the false sense of power that not worrying deprives you of. Mourn the legitimate love that loss cuts you off from. Mourn your continued superficiality.
Know nothing but Christ crucified: when “I don’t know” and “this is still working on me” come out of your mouth, it will be a beginning, not an end. Like grief, knowing Christ crucified will be both privilege and a burden. But it will be Christ’s work, not yours, because you no longer live. Instead, Christ lives in you. This is a power mantra to surface grief: when the one who called you sends you off saying: Go home to your family and friends, tell them all that the Lord, in his mercy has done for you. The call to everything, while immensely compassionate, is emotionally mixed. Your vocation offers no apologies for reality’s difficulties. Neither should you. For Christ’s sake, just bear them. By and by, you will become what you follow.
