Fatima Garcia approached me before the bell rang. “Mr. Warner, your class reminds me of Mr. Sanchez’s psychology class. When we talk about addiction, we talk a lot about compulsive thought. I never thought about all this before this year, but you guys are right. I do think compulsively.”
“The Desert Fathers had a way of doing theology that was very psychological. They wanted the gospel to flood and fix the workings of their own mental and emotional life. Also, though, remember what we said, last time. ‘It’s not your fault, but it is your problem.’ It would be more accurate to say ‘Compulsive thought happens in your head.’ Remember that compulsive thought produces the ego. Just because there’s something in your head that thinks compulsively and uses personal pronouns—I, Me and My—it can be you, but it isn’t who you really are. You and I are egotistical sometimes, but not all the time. We should be as gentle with ourselves as we can.”
The Bell rang. Ralph Cain walked in late, and talked to everyone between the door and his seat. I got within whispering distance, “Mr Cain,” I said, “You have 5 seconds to find your seat or we’ll add a detention to your tardy.”
“Aw, naw, Mr. Warner, you ain’t gotta do that.” He sat down. He’d forgotten his notebook, but was at least quiet.
I turned my attention to the whole class. “Ladies and Gentlemen! Please open your notebooks to the page where we talk about the Steps of Compulsive thought! I want to do two things today. First, we know that compulsive thought is a characteristic of Isolation. I want, ultimately, to talk about what we call the “eight honest virtues.” But before that, we know that compulsive thought is a progression that happens on its own. We have to examine the opposite of that. It’s part of the reality of community, and it's called 'deliberate thought.'
“Open your notebooks to a clean page, but have your thumb on the page where we talk about the steps of compulsive thought. At the top of the page, write ‘The Steps of Deliberate thought.’ Down the side of the page write. ‘Ugly Possums hate ripe pears.’ Give yourself room to write like always.” I gave them a minute. “I’m gonna go on, ‘kay?” No one objected.
“Next to ‘ugly’ write ‘uncomfortable emotion.’ That was the beginning of compulsive thought, it’s also at the root of deliberate thought. Next to ‘possums’ write “presence/reframing.” I wrote the criteria on the board. “Folks, the fact is, uncomfortable emotion only becomes compulsive thought if you deny it and cover it up. The fact is, if you watch it happening, you keep it from progressing. Lemme clarify though. Presence is not force. If you stuff uncomfortable emotion, it will manifest as compulsive thought. So you’ve just got to watch it, let it come and let it go. Now, there’s another word, one that doesn’t get it’s own line, but it’s part of what we do on this step. Next to ‘presence’ write ‘reframing.’” I spelled it on the board. “Just like you might give a picture a new frame, we can explain our experience in a new, more positive way. That’s reframing. Write that down, then stop for a moment.” They wrote, and stopped. “You know, when soldiers come back from war, they have that thing called ‘Post Traumatic Stress Disorder’ where loud noises bring back all the memories of war and stuff?” A few nods of assent, mostly blank stares that weren’t perplexed. I put it in the win column, and continued.
“Recently people are questioning the use of the word ’Disorder.’ The fact is, for a soldier to be messed up by trauma makes total sense. If anything it’s the trauma that is disordered. People who’ve been abused have a correct response to that abuse. It’s the abuse that’s messed up. When you live with a disability and your body is constantly rebelling against you, it’s normal to develop a fear of falling down. This is reframing, folks. To look at my responses and experiences in a positive, instead of a negative manner. So ‘presence and reframing’ are one thing. They’re about gently acknowledging and kindly interpreting your experience. If you wanna add the word ‘really’ next to ‘possums’ so you can remember ‘reframing,’ go ahead.
“Next to ‘hate’ write ‘Honest Admission.’ Remember, uncomfortable emotion becomes compulsive thought if we deny it. But if we find someone we trust, and we admit that our own emotions freak us out, then it can be different. Best case scenario, if we go to a friend and say ‘my emotions freak me out’ maybe they’ll respond ‘oh man i know. I freak me out too. It’s a relief I’m not the only one. We should hang out.” Just for kicks, I asked the class “When we honestly admit what we’re feeling, Cole Jensen, what begins to form?”
Cole stared back at me blankly. “Can I phone a friend?”
“I’ll phone a friend for you. Fatima, what forms when we begin to honestly admit our emotions to safe people?”
“Like, a group” she said and then the lights turned on. “COMMUNITY, community forms when we’re honest.”
“Yes indeed. Now, go back to your list, and next to ‘ripe’ write ‘repetition.’ Doing this once isn’t enough. Uncomfortable emotion comes back. So we do steps 1 through three again. Next to ‘pears’ write ‘peace of mind.’ That’s what happens when we do this consistently. We don’t have to worry. Uncomfortable emotion arises, we let it come, we don’t stuff it under compulsive thought or eat 10 million cookies to offset discomfort with a sugar high. Ugly Possums (really) hate ripe pears. Those are the Steps of Deliberate Thought. As we’ve seen, they’re a way of encountering ourselves that forms community instead of isolation.”
“Now, Hillary, what was the last of the ‘Characteristics of Community’ that we talked about yesterday. We remember the Characteristics of Community by the acronym ‘Here Koalas Ate Uncooked Eucalyptus.’ Tell me what ‘Eucalyptus’ stands for.”
Hillary Fidgeted a little, but named it without looking at her notebook “Eight Honest Virtues.”
“Ok. Now each definition’s gonna have the same format. Just like Compulsive thoughts arise on their own, the eight honest virtues are behaviors, or ‘natural tendencies’ that arise without us thinking about them. And each behavior leads to something. We’ll talk about these tomorrow, but today I just want to go through and get them into notes.” I wrote the next bit on the Dry Erase board. “Each definition will have this format: [Term]: the natural tendency to [behavior] that leads to [result.] And remember, each of the eight honest virtues is the opposite of one of the Eight Evil Thoughts over in Isolation.
“So please write the ‘Eight Honest Virtues’ at the top of a page. Down the left hand side, I’ll give you our acronym. Please write ‘The Greatest Desserts Get Chocolatey, Pudding Satisfies Hunger.’ While you’re writing I’ll set up a little powerpoint that will help us through this.
“The First Honest Virtue is the opposite of Gluttony. Next to ‘The,’ write ‘Temperance.’ This is ‘the natural tendency to avoid eating our feelings, leading to eating because you’re hungry.’ There was mild dissension among the ranks about how much writing this would be, but they got to it. When pencils came to rest, I continued: the second honest virtue is the opposite of Greed. Next to ‘Greatest’ write ‘Generosity.’” I clicked powerpoint buttons “‘The natural tendency to give, leading to always giving what we can spare, sometimes giving what we can’t.’ While they wrote, I explained: for the catholic church, private property isn’t an absolute right. You have the right to own what you need, and some of the things you want. But at some point, your extra stuff—money or other resources—well, it belongs to the poor. And the ability to give, at that point, it’s an important virtue.” Of course, very few kids were listening in the scribblestorm I’d initiated, but we’d go back to all of this over the next few days.
“The third honest virtue is the opposite of ’Sloth.’ Next to ‘Desserts’ write ‘diligence.’ This is ‘The natural tendency to handle life’s pressures without anxiety, leading to working just enough. The fourth Honest Virtue is the opposite of ‘Sorrow.’ Next to ‘Get’ write ‘Grief.’ This is ‘the natural tendency to avoid manipulating with our sadness, leading to healthy grief and letting go.” Clickety click, said the powerpoint. Scribbledy Scratch, replied the pencils.
“The fifth Honest virtue is the opposite of Lust. Next to ‘Chocolatey’ write ‘Chastity.’ This is ‘the Natural tendency to treat sex/ relationships moderately, leading to valuing who others are.’ You’re not with them because you like the attention they give you, you’re not with them because they kiss your face. You’re with them for who they are. And maybe, if it’s a romantic relationship, you smooch a bit.” I went on quickly before the giggling commenced. “The sixth honest virtue is the opposite of ‘wrath.’ Next to ‘pudding’ write ‘Patience.’ This is ‘The natural tendency to avoid overreacting in anger, leading to healthy anger and letting go.’ I explained, while they ignored me to write: “If you step on my foot, and I’m being wrathful, I’ll over-react and burn down your house. If you step on my foot, and I’m being patient, I’ll exclaim ‘Ouch. Golly, that makes me angry.’ And if I’m really angry I’ll say ‘Dag nabbit! Why, if I didn’t know better I’d say I’m even feeling ‘quite angry.’”
We were beginning to run low on time. I decided to talk faster. “If we don’t get the rest of this into notes before the bell, don’t worry, we’ll do it tomorrow. For now, at least get the terms down, though. The seventh honest virtue is the opposite of ‘Vanity.’ Next to ‘satisfies’ write ‘self-forgetfulness.’ This is ‘The natural tendency to avoid being the center of attention, leading to knowing others’ worth.’ And the eighth honest virtue is the opposite of pride. Next to ‘hunger’ write ‘humility.’” The bell rang. “Nobody move yet! This is ‘The natural tendency to accept our dependence on God and others, leading to community.’ We’ll talk more tomorrow. I apologize to your cramping hands!”
But as the students left the room, it was those cramping hands I reflected on. They say what muscles repeatedly do, they remember. If this was the beginning of students being temperate and generous, being diligent and humble and patient, then I had, at least for that day, no regrets at all.
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