Anthony de Mello passed on a nice little poem, that's become a bit of a spiritual fairy tale. It may have been originally by Sadhguru--as with any fairy tale, the attribution's insignificant. The story talked about a salt doll, who went to the sea to measure its depth. As the salt doll waded into the sea, he called out to the sea "who are you," and the sea responded "come and see." With each call and response, he gets deeper in. First up to his waist, then up to his chest, then his neck, and each time the question: who are you? Come and see. And because he's made of salt, each time he asks the question, a bit of him dissolves. When he wades in up to his neck, just as he's about to drown, just as he's almost totally dissolved, he exclaims "Now I know who I am!"
As I said, it's a nice little poem. [bxA] It conveys a truth: that mapping out who we are leads to an immersion in the truth. And the deepest level might look something like this: we've always been here, but we can't remember our other forms. All of our other forms are here and now, but we can't access them. We amnesiacs took this form before learning how to use it skillfully. That's traumatic. We created an ego in a last ditch effort to figure out existence before befouling it entirely. Subject/Object distancing is actually a symptom of that egoic abstraction. In other words, it's a symptom of the flaw, but the flaw is the route of return. In other words, there's a way to map out that movement, but it's most important that we frame it correctly.
Because if you're like me, your attraction to the destination will lead to skipped steps. Even if we can manage to face ourselves completely, only those who cease to exist from comfortable, objective, philosophical remove will truly be united to Christ. Whatever part of life we're talking about--traumatic memories, the pain of deferred the Kundalini energy of whose existence most Westerners are still uncertain--we can't unite with Christ until we fully accept and unite with all that our own incarnation consists of. It seems like a tall order.
I hope to lay it out in a bit of a different roadmap: its neither a map of who we are, nor a map of where we're going. Instead, it just names the bits that I've discovered to be an illusion, but also the ways the illusion is important. If I can map out my illusory thinking, what's real will take care of itself. If I can just take honest steps, I'll arrive when I'm meant to arrive. And, inshallah, a good bit of it might prove true for you, too.
Though I've talked about these before: allow me to re-introduce the theonoias. The theonoias are units of mental energy. The first theonoia is actually mental stillness. St. Paul called it "the mind of Christ" and john's gospel calls it "Remaining with Jesus" Contemplation is a temporary taste of the first theonoia. Obedience is the first theonoia acted out. (It's what allows us to take the kids to soccer, change jobs and convincingly pretend jello salads aren't atrocious.) Humility is a permanent, voluntary abiding in the first theonoia.
The second theonoia gives a name and a label to everything. The trouble with the second theonoia is that we end up creating a version of ourselves that's removed from reality. It's here that humanity gets its sense that opposites and distinctions are relevant. Good isn't bad, rest isn't work, one of those things is better than the other. All ego needs is to be granted the kind of permanence that comes from choosing to act, and we have a problem that becomes unhealthy indeed.
The third theonoia takes the separate names and labels and weaves them into theories of how the world works. Thomas Merton, in one of his most enduring moments, said "suffer without imposing on others a theory of suffering, without weaving a new philosophy of life from your own material pain, without proclaiming yourself a martyr, without counting out the price of your courage, without disdaining sympathy and without seeking too much of it." All of these are mistakes of the third theonoia. A Christian Tantrika should actively engage with identifying and abandoning the different narratives that rule egoic life.
The theonoias don't just apply to thought. They apply to many other areas of life as well. Remember: "I think therefore I am," Descartes's famous phrase with serious problems. More accurately, thinking is part of mapping who you're not, a persona you first need to care for and then desperately need to let go of. We are, all of us, like nested Russian dolls: we're impermanent beings, wearing multiple permanence costumes.
Thoughts, at the first theonoia, open us to emotions, but before we get there, our thoughts shift from what others can change to what we, ourselves can change. There's a movement of the energy up the chakras. Compulsive thought, if it arises, can be more quickly accepted, nurtured and let go of.
Emotions, at the first theonoia, open us to sensation, but before we get there, our emotions have shifted from egoic emotions like resentment and blame, rage and gluttony and lust and pride--they've become the basic emotions of a grieving process--anger sadness depression and acceptance--and we've come in contact with the brokenheartedness that Characterizes an encounter with the Word.
Sensations, at the first theonoia, open us to energy. But before we get there, we have to see the stored pain of our history. The body, as the psychologist Tian Dayton said, is the unconscious. So trauma, and all of our inadequate habitual responses to it--all of that tension gets stored in the body. This can accumulate from many lifetimes. (Some day we'll have a conversation about reincarnation vs.
Energy, at the first theonoia, is something to be experienced, not seen from an objective distance or analyzed. It is present in everything and drives all life. The point is to visit al the chakras and make sure its paths are unblocked. A lot of westerners are unable to feel it because they only feel things that touch them. Clothes, other people, etc. Feeling kundalini certainly involves seeing the hollowness of all forms of acquisition. It may also involve simplifying diet, and making sure our sex lives don't cause harm. It may involve developing a prayer practice. Feeling kundalini involves becoming quiet enough to stop listening to noise and begin listening for it. It involves not just feeling what's touching us, but being mindful enough of the body to realize that, when nothing is touching us, and we aren't touching anything, having a body comes with definite sensations. In other words, being feels like something--without the external stimuli that we usually use to convince ourselves we're here.
Some key principles to remember: though the theonoias apply to thought, emotion, sensation and energy, they're ultimately talking about things that you and I are not. If you're thinking about existing, you're a step removed from doing so. If you think you've achieved the ideal, you haven't. The greater point to remember is that the theonoias are morally neutral. They sketch out the path that flaws like abstraction, ego and sin follow as they develop, but they also show the way by which we can return to God. The problem becomes the solution.
See, there's one thing the salt doll poem doesn't convey. An experience of the Trinity coaxes us into stepwise renunciation. Those who carry the cross hold no toys. In the end, all theories are false. In the end, no concept are is reality. Union with Kundalini produces non-self, and lasts as long as our karma permits. So ultimately "who and where we are" will entirely cease to matter. And that might be scary, but the fear will be okay...because we'll have been learning to work with the medicine of fear all along. Suspended between being and non-being, and having developed both, we'll become part of what Jesus hands over to the Father. And in the whole, warm and safe and great and terrible mystery, God will be all, and in all.
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