The bell rang. The podium was in the corner of the room, and the students ribbed me a bit about it. “Mr. Warner, Isolation is bad, you shouldn’t be there.”
I laughed a secret laugh, the one teachers do when their kids remember anything they’ve been taught. I finished attendance and stood quietly until their chattering stopped.
“Quickly, ladies and Gents, somebody raise your hand and tell me our acronym” Hands shot up. I called on Ralph “Don’t take iguanas down elevators!” he said.
“Escalators, but yeah” I said, we quickly reviewed what each stood for, concluding with the word ‘escalators.’” I called on Cole for the term.
Cole said “The Eight Evil thoughts.”
“Aha, and here we arrive at our subject for today. Please open your notebooks and, at the top of the page, write ‘the Eight Evil thoughts.’” They did so.
“These eight subjects are things that, over and over again, old monks would notice their minds wandering back to when they were left to themselves. They are compulsive thoughts so the sad reality is, if we follow them to their logical end they become addictions. Our thoughts about these things actually change our ability to interact with the world. It’s important to remember something, and I want you to underline this multiple times. They’re not your fault, but they are your problem. You don’t do anything to make compulsive thoughts arise, but they can mess up your life if you follow them blindly.” The looks on every face at least told me no one was confused.
“Each of these eight subjects is a compulsive thought about something, and each leads to something.”
I continued, “Write the following sentence down the left margin of the page, like we did last time: Go Get Some Sandwiches, Lily Wants Vicki’s Pastrami.” While they wrote, I prepared to project a powerpoint.
“Go: This stands for Gluttony. It’s the compulsive thought about food, and it leads to emotional eating. Get: This stands for Greed. It’s the compulsive thought about new possessions or status, and it leads to discontent with normalcy. While you write, answer me one question: why is Christmas exciting?”
Will Parks “Presents!”
“Yes Will. And on December 24th of this year, are you still as excited about using last year’s stuff as you are about receiving this year’s stuff.” While they wrote, a few heads shook. “That’s right, you are so hooked on newness that normal things don’t make you happy any more. That's greed.
“‘Some’ stands for Sloth. Everybody stop writing for a minute.” Slowly, every hand let go its pencil. “Sometimes I have so much to do, and I’m so anxious about it, that I get absolutely nothing done. It’s called ‘paralysis by analysis.’ Have y’all ever had that happen?” There were nods and mutters of recognition. Fatima said “That’s every night.”
“Sloth,” I said, “is the compulsive thought about life’s pressures, leading to anxious overworking or underworking.” I clicked the powerpoint buttons and the definitions appeared. “When sloth presents as anxious overwork, we think we have to do everything today. And this is another important point. Because sloth comes with a feeling of anxiety, it can lead us to other evil thoughts, in an attempt to get rid of that anxiety. So I might overeat or compulsively shop because I’m feeling the anxiety from sloth.”
“Next to ‘Sandwiches’ write sorrow. Sorrow is a tough one: here I wanna make sure we say something up front. Sorrow is different from depression. Depression is a medical condition. It’s totally normal. I’ve felt it most of my life. Depression is so normal that when the Eight Evil Thoughts became the Seven Deadly Sins, it was left off. Depression is totally normal. Sorrow, on the other hand, is the compulsive thought about sadness leading to manipulation.” I clicked the powerpoint. “To be sad about the death of my cat is totally normal, and depression is a normal stage in the process of grief. On the other hand, to go to Mr. Warner and say ‘Mr. Warner, my cat died a year ago and I’m sad so I think I shouldn’t have to take this test today.’ Well that’s different. Hillary, how is it different?”
“Um,” She thought for a moment “Because we’re trying to get something out of you.”
“Yup. So Depression isn’t sorrow because Depression isn’t manipulative.” I clicked the powerpoint, to project Lust. “Now it’s time for everybody’s favorite: Next to ‘Lily,’ write ‘Lust.’ I need everyone in the classroom to find every ounce of maturity they have, and bring it to the surface. Because—wait for it—I’m about to use the word ‘sex.’” There were some giggles. “The truth is, Lust isn’t just about sex. Lust is the compulsive thought about others’ bodies or attention.” I clicked the powerpoint, gave that a moment to sink in while they wrote.
As soon as Will Parks’ pencil went down, his hand shot up. I called on him and he spoke. “I don’t know about this one, Mr. Warner. Sometimes girls are the only reason I come to school.”
I smiled and nodded, “When I was in high school, my parents gave me the option of continuing to go to church or not. It wasn’t Jesus that made me keep going. It was the little red headed girl two pews up.”
“Yeah,” Will said, “so how is that wrong?”
“Oh it’s totally not.” I said, “Remember that food, new possessions, sadness, sex—all these things are good things. The problem comes when they’re used to cover up something, to avoid uncomfortable emotion. Will, blokes like you and I need to write this real big in the notebook of our hearts. Our needs for sex and attention are, all of them, good things. They only become sinful when we use them to cover uncomfortable emotion. If you’re really dealing with the uncomfortable stuff of your life, if you’re making sure you can deal with your actions’ consequences and if you’re always being respectful of your lady’s feelings, then smooch away my friend. Just don’t do it in front of your mother. That’s creepy.”
Will smiled. I continued “ Next to ‘wants,’ write ‘wrath.’ Here again, remember that anger is totally normal.” Then I clicked the powerpoint. “Wrath is the compulsive thought about anger, leading to overreaction. The overreaction is wrath’s identifying characteristic. You step on my foot and I send my goons to break all your car windows and burn down your house.”
There were giggles. Ralph said “Mr. Warner, you ain’t got no goons.”
I replied, “Maybe I don’t. But you don’t wanna be one of those students who doesn’t do his homework, incurs my wrath finds out he’s wrong. My goons would be at your crib in two seconds flat, my friend.” Our giggles started to run away with the class. I went on. “Next to ‘Vicki’s,’ write ‘Vanity.’ We’ve seen this one before: remember ‘I’m too sexy for my shirt, and you guys are chumps.’ Vanity is the compulsive thought about my own excellence, leading to putting others down. I’m awesome, y’all aren’t” Powerpoint click and scribbling.
“Next to ‘Pastrami’ write ‘Pride.’ It’s important to note a difference, here, between vanity and pride. Vanity is the compulsive thought of my own excellence. Pride is the compulsive thought of my own self-sufficiency, leading to isolation. Write that down.” They did. I continued, “Vanity says ‘I’m better than you.’ Pride says ‘I don’t need you.’”
“In the end, you’ll be so caught up with all of these different thoughts that you’ll be well fed, you’ll have a lot of stuff, you’ll be driven and awesome. You’ll be a self-made man or an independent woman who pays her own bills—but the point is you’ll be all of that alone. No one will be there to witness that awesome.”
When I came to a stop, I realized where I was standing. “What’s the name of this corner, y’all?”
“Isolation” They said.
“Our thoughts have become so enticing to us that we give up relating to the world for their sake. Give up feeling for food. Give up contentment for newness. Give up connection for attention and community for self-reliance. We even give up ourselves for a ghostly substitute self that's really just an egotistical bundle of desire. We knew this corner was called ‘isolation.’” With particular finality, the bell rang. “Now we know why.”
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